rules of feminism.

trying to be more optimistic today. i got a new journal and finished the illustration i've been working on for myself. now, back to school serious.

i just want to read what i want to read, draw what i want to draw, make what i want to make, and do what i want to do. actually, no one is stopping me. i'm stopping me.

just wanna get out.

looking for a studio of my own.

the days go by.

i'm going to create mixed media illustrations.

this is a joke, right?

hi,

time is cutting close. these starbucks tables are too tall for a (lap)top. i ordered a tall soy iced coffee with the classic coffee cake. i have a load of work to finish for my art aesthetics class. right when you think you are on top of a game, one game, any game, you are put down with more games. that sounds lame, but that is the truth. why do schools make requirements such a pain? i'm in the midst of trying to find a studio or so, finish final projects, papers, travel to a different country, and attend a summer school session. it's my own doing for taking on all this, and it is quite bittersweet. more on the pro side, i suppose. but negative effects will stay itself.

this may not be the place for me to rant and pour all of my exhausted energy out. but unforuntately, i can't afford a moleskin to write in right now. or rather, don't want to spend 20 bucks to get one in the spur of a moment, or wait for amazon to ship me a phony one with logos i don't want.

actually no, i'm going to buy one today. i also need to get a stuffed bunny and cut it up so i could use it for my ceramics display tomororw.

talk about a fickle mind. i am going to get my stuff done.

-jane

i was at school for 16 hours today. that's not really a surprise, except today i worked straight. i lived off a turkey cranberry sandwich, some fritos, a medium cup of vanilla coffee, a chocolate chip and peanut butter cliff barn, and a cup of vegetable noodles. i am so exhausted. i'm not sure if i was that hydrated today. i was really focused in fibers. i was in there for 10 straight hours. if it weren't for my friend susie, i would have not gotten my sewing project done. the project was to make a 12x16 pillowcase cover. there were so many problems throughout the process. but this is why i say process to progress. hard work comes from effort, focus, and determination. the underdog has risen tonight. i finished my pillowcase, stuffed the pillow in there, and took it home with care, just so i could bring it back on wednesday for the critique. it is colorful, is the right size, has appliques on there, and is sewn. i did everything i could today.

tomorrow morning, or should i say today, i have to do a late reading, analysis paper, make my Plato philosopher doll (3 of them), think about the four questions to answer to for my aesthetics class, type those long answers out, and attend my 4-10 pm classes. when i get home after 10 pm, i am going to paint the last pot, so i could get ready for my ceramics critique, also on wednesday.

life rarely gives anyone a break.

i saw a damn cockroach this morning and the cat was playing with it. i'm sick and tired of this place i am living in.

backtrack: i had the a really wonderful easter with juan's family. i met the rest of his family, and it was really nice. i drew with chalk, helped out with the egg hunt, cracked confetti eggs on heads, ate food, mingled, laughed, colored in a coloring book, watched some baseball, and a whole lot more. i was so exhausted by the end of yesterday night that i knocked out like a baby.

two years ago, i turned vegan on easter. tomorrow is easter again. but i am not vegan anymore. it hit me that i am actually going to a different country this summer with about 11 other students. the chances of vegan-friendly foods being offered may be rare. but the chances of finding exotic foods will be a different story. and that is just plain exciting, isn't it? i was raised to appreciate, respect, and observe diferent cultures in the world. as i continue to pursue my cultural anthropology minor, this trip will serve as an important life experience and opportunity to learn and understand just what and how cambodia's culture itself is structured-through the processes of socialization and enculturation. i'm taking field notes.

but rewinding, since christmas time, i have been practicing eating almost everything again, including meat and dairy. i have been adding just chicken and fish back into my diet. i also have been allowing myself to have products that have dairy in it for dessert, such as ice cream, cookies, cakes, the usual, etc. i believe those unexpected, dark-looking bruises on my neck have gradually disappeared over the last few months due to the switch back. my overall weight has somewhat remained within the similar range. so in whole, i am happier in some aspects. but most days, i am drained, inspired/uninspired, and moody. this is not due to the diet, but due to the my work ethics. i'm working hard and trying my best everyday. though sometimes, it's not all worth it. college was and is still very different from what i imagined. i rather be doing things that are not required or assigned. i find myself blending school work and social life into one, day after day, and it hardly ever works out. i just trick myself into believing that it always does. i realized that the only good year is your first year in college. this is not to say that everyday has been bad. there were ups and downs.

-jane

i finished my Nietzsche analysis. Another six pages not down the drain, but in the appropriate box in dropbox. this leaves me half an hour left before i have to attend six hours of class. that's still something.

10-page museum paper-done.

I wish I could spend the rest of the three hours before class resting and cleaning my messy room. I mean, my suitcase is actually still on the floor from two weeks ago.

No, I have to read Nietzche for aesthetics and do another paper.

i just want to snuggle my feet under my warm blanket even though the weather site says it is currently 84 degrees outside. for once, it feels 20 degrees less in my room. just had my fake cap'n crunch (safeway/von's brand) and i have to get dressed and what not in the next few minutes. i am not catching the early bus today. too stressful. i couldn't sleep until 3 am for a good reason though. i really want to go back to norcal at this moment and every moment. just want to be done with school. school excites and bores me simultaneously. i hate when you love something so much and then you eat it/ do it so much that you start to lose your crave for it. then you stop and try again, and it never tastes/feels the same. i love my school. i love my school. i love my school.

today was not too shabby. i just got back from the fibers studio not too long ago and saved time for a not-too-late-dinner. i was able to paint half the pillowcase this late afternoon with the mixed fiber reactive dyes. again, i'm going for a children-like theme. i want to create my own children book someday. i was able to get half a leg of the kid robot figure i am working on in ceramics yesterday night. i just have to focus on turning in my aesthetics paper in tonight on time, on a sunday, for once. i really just want to turn netflix on and watch away. but i don't even know when that could actually happen with ease. so i'm burning my wooden walk candle again for the night. monday will come soon.

wish i got to see fred armisen tonight. big fan. hello. no money, no car. just art work.

i'm trying to use my phone less. i was never bad at doing that, really. the school year is coming to an end and this summer will put a dramatic impact on my entire life. i'm a bit afraid to be so heartbroken, but i know i will face my all with nothing but open arms.

maybe it's time to start a new blog. i'm not sure yet. i always want to start new but not forget the old. today, i got to pick some carrots from my backyard garden boxes and use them in my lunch time springrolls. the melancholy weather is beautiful as is. it just needs to rain once more today. i may start a polaroid journal/diary of my days. back to work i go.