first roll of film developed!

first time starting summer in long beach.

another semester earned with my blood, sweat, and tears.

day 4 back: watched this movie today at the cinearts theater alone.

i really liked it.

i'm so conservative, actually.

keep calm and make on.

casual monday.

no one to blame, but myself.
ceramics was such a beautiful thing to me. but now, it's not.
i don't want to specialize in it anymore anytime soon.

just maybe two more paragraphs left and then i can breathe.
and edit later.

seven pages, but seven pages full of a body of 10 works from modernism to postmodernism and all the movements and techniques mentioned in between....

can't wait to put away all my textbooks and return my library books.
hopefully my ceramics work is out of the firing by now. i need to get it pre-set up tonight.
hip hip hooray. so close to freedom.

truthfully, it has been kind of a laid back week for finals.
i just have one more history paper to write that i still haven't started. still trying together information in my head.
i busted all my energy, time, and effort through the entire semester, however.
so i'm not being lazy. i worked for this. and i believe it.

plans:

1. earn a teaching credential
2. earn a teaching english abroad certificate
3. get a job
4. travel somewhere before i am 25.
5. save money to stay in a cabin for at least two nights.

i went swimming just a couple of hours ago.
then i saw my old neighbor and friend, sara. (her name is pronounced sar-ah)
we talked by the pool for awhile and caught up.
i sat backwards on the pool chair. it felt relaxing.
the sky was a blank blue canvas.
then i came back up and made dinner.
i talked to my roommate and her friend for awhile.
i showered.
made coffee to have iced coffee tomorrow.
made mango black tea to have iced mango black tea tomorrow.
put trash by the door.
going to start last history paper now.
going to the store later to restock on toilet paper and paper towels.
i may do laundry.

it's god damn hot.

made mango black tea last night and put it in the fridge all day, all night.

it's iced tea this morning with a spoon of agave.

10 pages classicism
art theory paper done

one more history paper to go...

not going to school is nice.

my left eye has been burning like no other all morning. i can't even think about putting on my contacts. i have no food in the fridge. i can barely open my eyes to look at the screen, but i feel the need to type this.

thinking about living in san francisco in two years.
thinking about single subject credential...

today:

1. lesson plan to edit and send back to my partner, camille.
2. finish painting my dog for ceramics and extra pinch pots.
3. clear glaze all last ceramics pots.
4. put label to prepare for firing.
5. last touches on the halter romper for fibers.
6. really start writing classicism paper.
7. breathe.


i had a bowl of half honey oats and apple jacks with unsweetened almond milk this morning. juan and i are on a girls (hbo) marathon. my favorite show....

edit: i did all of the above + a 30 minute jacuzzi session

successful weekend in conclusion.
tons of exhaustion.
gonna continue my paper now.
so close to being done. so close.
all my energy is soaked up and now i am shriveled up and dry as can be.

currently: cooking drumsticks in the oven at 185 degrees.

set for 35 minutes.

this morning/afternoon:

talked to roommate

ate two waffles with agave syrup/ maple sugar cinnamon oatmeal

two loads of laundry

thought about swimming

have been wearing swimsuit all morning

cleaned room

set two large bags aside for donation

one bag for selling/trading

prepared quinoa

drank tea/iced mocha soy coffee

now starting classicism paper

yesterday, i had yet another rough day. i got so irritated with simultaneously sewing and seam ripping my halter top that i got so furious and teary all at once for a split second. after, i stopped by the convenience store to grab a mrs.fields cookie-ice-cream-sandwich hoping to eat my worries away. that never really works for me. so i headed to the ceramics room to work on my project some more. after six more extra hours, i found myself walking back upstairs to the fiber room. by 10:00 pm, i just climbed on top of the table and laid flat on my back, dreading away my powerless sense of numbness to my surroundings and self in silence. there, i met vanessa. she was on the other table across from mine, sewing the fabric lining for her own graduation cap. she asked me, "what's wrong?" i told her all that i could in that sudden moment. she then provided me with the best and encouraging pep talk that i have not gotten in awhile. she ended with, "otherwise, jane, will die, and jane will die quickly. so your first step: engage."

 last night, i went home, cried, and cried some more. then i fell asleep. i woke up this morning and told myself i am not fucking going to school to work on ceramics or fibers today. i am giving myself a god damn break. i need to believe that i deserve it. i am not going to think that i am the underdog anymore. instead of letting people and myself make me feel small, i am going to look for people who make me feel larger.

krauss reading-done

had a 15 hour school day today. fibers is so worth it. i want to learn more! i want to take workshops! this summer, i'm going to try to dye and sew my own clothes. i'm going to invest in a sewing machine and start my own amateur workshop for myself. i've been rather slow with ceramics these last two weeks. fibers is just taking up all my time. we're supposed to sew and dye our own wearable piece, and as a beginner, it soaks up every bit of my energy. but luckily, i have my good friend, susie, to help me. susie came, and has been coming, to my rescue. it's the last week of classes, and finals are happening next week. i'm not sure if i'm mentally/physically prepared for this. but i am going to get through with it.

also, i've been hitting the gym each day. one mile per day can go a long way. baby steps again.

trying to stay positive,

jane

socal weather is so misleading and confusing. i want to go home already.

currently watching: wasteland documentary

_______________________________________________

about two weeks (or rather 13 days) left of school.

i need to go cliff diving, kayaking, and hiking.
the cambodia trip is coming up so soon. i can't even think about being excited to plan for it when finals haven't even happened yet.

i still have two analysis papers, one classicism paper, ah final paper, my long romper to sew and dye for fibers, and family portrait project for ceramics. let this semester be done with already.

please, let my summer be amazing for once. i swear, i've been working incredibly hard. it's all burning me out. i want to do something new outside of my realms. it doesn't matter what.

honey nut toasted oats.